Children and Chastity

My feelings are vast,

They are never ending,

They dissolve into the omnipresent,

They are honest.

Honest when I look up at the sky,

I see my thoughts flooding blue,

Some, Fluffed up and bobbing away,

I force them to change, I think,

The more I do, The whiter, the kosher.

For that is what we 15 year olds do,

We compare and let ourselves down,

We look up, we look around,

We tire ourselves nice and easy,

And settle down into finding common grounds.

It’ is always the little things that matter,

We are pure and open,

Ready to look down on everybody,

Happy when they look up at us and smile.

I smirk, when anger fares in,

Regret, Remorse and Loathing.

That’s when we turn off the lights,

We hear the low rumble of change.

It’s despair, we feel powerful.

At least we affect the universe don’t we?

Potency revealed, only meaning,

If I can’t have it, you can’t too.

Together, we are alone,

We believe that’s how it is,

The rumbling gets louder,

And Thunder breaks in.

Trashing us, pushing us to the limit,

There’s rain all around,

We feel the walls slipping down.

Slaps right across the face,

The inevitable rain drowns you in,

It’s bitter and wet, Life.

On your knees,

All you can do, is look around.

On your knees,

And to feel the rain, to feel your sore tears,

To respect them, To treat them right.

You’d feel it tickling town your cheekbones tonight,

Tomorrow, damn that,

Every single day maybe.

Until you embrace them, and turn around at the same time.

For the sun’s up now.

For there’s a red tint now.

The horizon looks nice now.

Your eyes red rimmed, yet beautifully lined.

You laugh out loud,

For the sun’s here now.

The difference between what I am, and what you made me.

There will come, them moments,

When you can hear yourself laugh and smile,

And you nod at heads smiling at you,

You can smell the flowers a mile away,

You can breathe in the divine scent.

When the sun playfully lights up your strands of beautiful hair,

You just spread your arms out wide and scream with all your might.

Then there comes those days,

When the wind is too strong, and then sun is too low,

When the world just keeps ticking, and the people?

The people make it evident that they can survive with you .

They pass by, and you say hello,

Cue the winks, looks and curvy lips,

And the never ending hi-fi’s

Yes it’s a wonderful day; the trees looked just fine,

You learned, you had your thought of the day,

The day was as happy as it could be,

Though it would seem like all work and no play.

All you can do is look forward.

Because you’re alone, and it’s darkness, regardless of your how your eyelids are positioned.

The paintings on the walls make everything look so damn heavenly,

The classy white paint raises our standard,

The adorable peons give the place a spark,

And then, them (a peculiar group of human beings they are), they bark.

They puff, polish and paint their faces,

And say they work for our good.

They tear down souls that survived,

And without shame, they again claim to have been working for our good.

Its this day when you don’t know what to do with yourself,

When you can do so much and want to do nothing,

All because of some sick bastards,

You feel yourself ebbing away into some lonely yard.

Sometimes, all you need to do is look at me and smile.

And the world is all right again.

You teach me every day; you claim to have the right to punish me too,

Then what bad will a smile do?

A crowd, better silenced.

When you have a normal life,

Extraordinary parents are loved,

Awesomeness ,Appreciated,

And success, Sowed.

Everyday is art,

Every night, music,

In between there's dancing,

And somehow, happy living.

Brother in times of need,

Love by the door,

Pests under bars and,

Memories from the yore.

You're cries are muffles,

At times like these,

Not because no one cares,

Only because there's more happy than you please.

Now I know it sounds all perfect,

But read it again,

You might see something you dint,

'Friends' ain't there,

pro'lly din't notice when you blinked.

They might love me, or love me not.

For I'm alone when I'd need their company,

Now I don't want any judging,

For that's there in plenty.

I hear them when they all go out,

I hear them when they laugh out loud,

I hear it when they sneak out,

But I'm there when they cry,

I always run to them when they cry.

Should I spread out some leather, or just put on some shoes?

When you set out to kill someone,

You must have no emotion.

When you want to win,

You must have no family.

When you return for victory,

You must be alone,

When you become the champion,

You are alone.

There’s one place, one time, one chance and one shot,

If it’s yours, it’s yours forever.

“Nobody” is you,

 You become your own conceiver.

So what must I take?

Must I live up to my dreams?

My haunting dreams.

Or must I start sharpening my survival skills?

Must I lose to love everyone?

And lie in loathing the rest of my life?

Or cease all the crying to weep alone?

What must I do?

What am I supposed to?

Into the conclusion I come.

Better than this I’d rather bid life Adieu.

I shouldn’t have to make choices,

I live only once.

I should be able to do what I want to do.

I shouldn’t have to deal with grievance.

They say it’s human to want,

They say it’s human to crave,

They say it’s human to have feelings,

It’s only human to be a slave.

Then what must I do?

What am I supposed to?

Into the conclusion I come again,

For better or for worse, I’d rather bid life Adieu.

If only everybody knew,

For it’s actually true.

Nobody cries when you lose,

Nobody screams when you’re hurt,

Nobody really stands by you when you sin,

And Nobody actually triumphs when you win.

I know who I am.

I’m 15.

I know, I’m small.

I’m just 15.

I’m a teen.

So?

If I cry, its drama,

If I’m in love, it’s a phase,

What if I get raped?

Oh yeah, I get to be the reason for “my” trauma.

If I want to be independent,

I have something to hide.

If I want to live alone,

I have someone to put out of sight.

If I talk, I talk too much.

If I’m silent, I’m a freak.

It’s a dangerous world out there,

So I “should” stay within my own clique.

There must be no depression to express,

There shouldn’t be tears to fall off.

Because then, I’m seeking sympathy,

Because then, to my parents I’m a disgrace.

It’s 2 AM and I’m still 15.

I’m one voice here.

I seek one desire.

My heart pains only for my dreams.

I ask for this as I can’t seem to be able to swallow my sufferings screams.

Still, why do I feel like I belong?

Why do I feel like they care?

Knowing they don’t.

Why am I welcomed?

When I should probably just be sent to bed.

Why do I feel wanted?

Why do I feel alive even though every day is a dying day?

And yet I feel betrayed though I’m fully looked after.

Why do I feel understood?

Even though I know it’s just heads nodding in my direction.

Either I’m too lucky, or I see my ego in the reflection.

Tonight, I pray.

I sat waiting,

Like the “me” you know, the “me” you’ve always known.

You asked me what I’d do if you didn’t come home.

I’d live alone.

I’d keep waiting.

For that’s all I do,

For that’s all that I can do if I want to keep holding on to you.

The situation you’ve put me in.

I wait for some love to breathe,

I wait for your voice to speak.

I don’t know what I’m doing,

You tell me you love me,

I don’t feel it,

Why don’t I feel it?

I’m still waiting.

The odds run around you,

Fate and destiny and all the other good luck charms too,

Hands on my head,

I fall hopelessly on to my promising bed.

At the end of the day,

As I wash my hands,

I wonder out loud about whether anything would change back into what we had a time ago,

As I wash my eyes,

I wonder whether, one day, I’d be able to unsee all the scenarios we carefully planned a time ago,

As I wash my ears,

I wonder whether I’d be able to scrub them clean of all the assuring lies you told me a time ago,

And finally,

As I washed my feet,

I wondered whether I’d be able to walk away from you.

I could, and I would if you do it too.