Should I spread out some leather, or just put on some shoes?

When you set out to kill someone,

You must have no emotion.

When you want to win,

You must have no family.

When you return for victory,

You must be alone,

When you become the champion,

You are alone.

There’s one place, one time, one chance and one shot,

If it’s yours, it’s yours forever.

“Nobody” is you,

 You become your own conceiver.

So what must I take?

Must I live up to my dreams?

My haunting dreams.

Or must I start sharpening my survival skills?

Must I lose to love everyone?

And lie in loathing the rest of my life?

Or cease all the crying to weep alone?

What must I do?

What am I supposed to?

Into the conclusion I come.

Better than this I’d rather bid life Adieu.

I shouldn’t have to make choices,

I live only once.

I should be able to do what I want to do.

I shouldn’t have to deal with grievance.

They say it’s human to want,

They say it’s human to crave,

They say it’s human to have feelings,

It’s only human to be a slave.

Then what must I do?

What am I supposed to?

Into the conclusion I come again,

For better or for worse, I’d rather bid life Adieu.

If only everybody knew,

For it’s actually true.

Nobody cries when you lose,

Nobody screams when you’re hurt,

Nobody really stands by you when you sin,

And Nobody actually triumphs when you win.

I know who I am.

I’m 15.

I know, I’m small.

I’m just 15.

I’m a teen.

So?

If I cry, its drama,

If I’m in love, it’s a phase,

What if I get raped?

Oh yeah, I get to be the reason for “my” trauma.

If I want to be independent,

I have something to hide.

If I want to live alone,

I have someone to put out of sight.

If I talk, I talk too much.

If I’m silent, I’m a freak.

It’s a dangerous world out there,

So I “should” stay within my own clique.

There must be no depression to express,

There shouldn’t be tears to fall off.

Because then, I’m seeking sympathy,

Because then, to my parents I’m a disgrace.

It’s 2 AM and I’m still 15.

I’m one voice here.

I seek one desire.

My heart pains only for my dreams.

I ask for this as I can’t seem to be able to swallow my sufferings screams.

Still, why do I feel like I belong?

Why do I feel like they care?

Knowing they don’t.

Why am I welcomed?

When I should probably just be sent to bed.

Why do I feel wanted?

Why do I feel alive even though every day is a dying day?

And yet I feel betrayed though I’m fully looked after.

Why do I feel understood?

Even though I know it’s just heads nodding in my direction.

Either I’m too lucky, or I see my ego in the reflection.

Tonight, I pray.

I sat waiting,

Like the “me” you know, the “me” you’ve always known.

You asked me what I’d do if you didn’t come home.

I’d live alone.

I’d keep waiting.

For that’s all I do,

For that’s all that I can do if I want to keep holding on to you.

The situation you’ve put me in.

I wait for some love to breathe,

I wait for your voice to speak.

I don’t know what I’m doing,

You tell me you love me,

I don’t feel it,

Why don’t I feel it?

I’m still waiting.

The odds run around you,

Fate and destiny and all the other good luck charms too,

Hands on my head,

I fall hopelessly on to my promising bed.

At the end of the day,

As I wash my hands,

I wonder out loud about whether anything would change back into what we had a time ago,

As I wash my eyes,

I wonder whether, one day, I’d be able to unsee all the scenarios we carefully planned a time ago,

As I wash my ears,

I wonder whether I’d be able to scrub them clean of all the assuring lies you told me a time ago,

And finally,

As I washed my feet,

I wondered whether I’d be able to walk away from you.

I could, and I would if you do it too.