I know who I am.

I’m 15.

I know, I’m small.

I’m just 15.

I’m a teen.

So?

If I cry, its drama,

If I’m in love, it’s a phase,

What if I get raped?

Oh yeah, I get to be the reason for “my” trauma.

If I want to be independent,

I have something to hide.

If I want to live alone,

I have someone to put out of sight.

If I talk, I talk too much.

If I’m silent, I’m a freak.

It’s a dangerous world out there,

So I “should” stay within my own clique.

There must be no depression to express,

There shouldn’t be tears to fall off.

Because then, I’m seeking sympathy,

Because then, to my parents I’m a disgrace.

It’s 2 AM and I’m still 15.

I’m one voice here.

I seek one desire.

My heart pains only for my dreams.

I ask for this as I can’t seem to be able to swallow my sufferings screams.

Still, why do I feel like I belong?

Why do I feel like they care?

Knowing they don’t.

Why am I welcomed?

When I should probably just be sent to bed.

Why do I feel wanted?

Why do I feel alive even though every day is a dying day?

And yet I feel betrayed though I’m fully looked after.

Why do I feel understood?

Even though I know it’s just heads nodding in my direction.

Either I’m too lucky, or I see my ego in the reflection.

Tonight, I pray.

I sat waiting,

Like the “me” you know, the “me” you’ve always known.

You asked me what I’d do if you didn’t come home.

I’d live alone.

I’d keep waiting.

For that’s all I do,

For that’s all that I can do if I want to keep holding on to you.

The situation you’ve put me in.

I wait for some love to breathe,

I wait for your voice to speak.

I don’t know what I’m doing,

You tell me you love me,

I don’t feel it,

Why don’t I feel it?

I’m still waiting.

The odds run around you,

Fate and destiny and all the other good luck charms too,

Hands on my head,

I fall hopelessly on to my promising bed.

At the end of the day,

As I wash my hands,

I wonder out loud about whether anything would change back into what we had a time ago,

As I wash my eyes,

I wonder whether, one day, I’d be able to unsee all the scenarios we carefully planned a time ago,

As I wash my ears,

I wonder whether I’d be able to scrub them clean of all the assuring lies you told me a time ago,

And finally,

As I washed my feet,

I wondered whether I’d be able to walk away from you.

I could, and I would if you do it too.

Together , We're Alone.

We are born alone, knowing nothing,

White sheets of blank paper,

Meant to be sliced with black ink,

Gradually, suggesting death.

We live together, yet we breathe alone.

Claiming our eyes be closed,

Yet getting away by means of furtive glance,

All knowing,

 That it keeps us away from the UN-dead.

We bitch hand in hand, just to cry alone,

Consciously ignoring the trail to ecstasy five feet away,

Blandly,
Welcoming the dark days,

Quite far away.

We shop without mercy, yet dress alone,

Trying to keep up with thoughts we feel are erred

Trying to derive “philosophy” from unspoken words,

Five minutes later,

We stride as though nothing happened,

On to the street outwards!

I remember going to bed together,

Only to wake up from sleep alone,

Quiet mornings push the feelings aside,

Donning me with sympathy I didn’t recognize,

As one of the inevitable; the day starts.

Thinking, we’re moving "forward".

What mistakes our simple mind,

Is that we die alone when we don’t.

For its proven,
 When a soul dies, another one dries up with it.

Dazed.

Seeming like I went to the bus and walked right back,

Such beautiful days they had been,

5 days of crazy laughter,

We all were Queens.

Knowing teachers like never before,

The fragrance of care, an aura around us,

Chance of depression being very lean,

We all were Queens.

The cold mist turned us over,

Showing the probable destruction,

We stood side by side, heard and seen,

We all were Queens.

I was just guessing,

Nothing seemed real,

A twelve dozen uncontrollable teens,

We all were queens.

I'm back home now,

Everybody was.

Visions of the past remained blurred and bleak,

Who cares?

We all were queens.

Dedicated to all the still crazier human beings who were with us, who laughed along, who cried along,

They call themselves teachers,

We call them parents.

:* to every single person responsible for Success this bright. Alhamdulillah.

Pressure.

The expected torture came up from behind,

Snuggling me close,

Me, it tried to compose.

It writhed and squealed,

And my muscles it whipped,

The words lashed out for good,

My brain,

All in all, a magnet to pain.

I cried with shame,

My eyes red rimmed they were,

My heart fluttering with despair,

Gone was my aim.

To try that hard and fail so nice,

I realized I couldn’t buy victory with my cries.

I have two more chances,

Two more dances,

I couldn’t trip, I shouldn’t fall,

But it kept me awake and did not let me dream

I had a part of my life to redeem.

It called me shameless; it called me gut-less,

It called me worthless; it called me careless

It wasn’t misery, It wasn’t a disorder,

It wasn’t any obsession nor was it depression.

It was only a four letter word.

It was exams that had me chained to grief.

To try that hard and fail so nice,

I kept realizing I couldn’t buy victory with my cries.

Love, Kiss my sear,

Trust, Wipe away my tear,

Faith, be sincere,

And everybody else,

Tell me there's luck still to appear.

My wet heart struggling to beat,

My tears dry of emotion,

We were tired, all of us

Of Decameron, Boccaccio and Erasmus.

I had me to mend and for that,

I knew, I needed silence in the end.

Why Did Destiny Capture Our Shots , If Fate Had Someone Else Framed Ahead?

Brown into the flattened black,

Had it always been that black?

Had those give-always always been this cold?

That gentle look, now not even a scratch,

But instead, dim dead and bold,

The kind that’d give anyone a panic attack

My path had been defined,

My goal’s been set,

This, an unfamiliar lane...

Why so?

Why did we meet again?

If destiny did not capture our shots,

If fate had someone else pretty ahead,

Then why did you look back?

Why did I want you to look back?

Had it been you?

Or was I seeing myself?

Regret seemed too much,

Dreams were too much too,

My consciousness remained unmoved,

Like yours, mine lost in touch!

That fleeting moment,

Did we both recede?

Was that why we didn't see each other?

The wait is for next time,

Or is it going to be never?

I remember the scene,

“Black hair set against your pale skin”

 You said,

“With crimson lips,

And cheeks as brilliant as the setting sun,

The fragrance of

Fine cream and roses,

I wanted to pull your hair back,

Put it behind your ears where they belonged,

For they were obstinate and warmed your face,

Fusing into the dusty pink Brussels lace."

I blamed the wind that refused to budge,

I blamed the noises that remained adamant.

Where was that reflex action?

We were proud of; a time ago?

Where did that flutter of,

Heart to heart beats, go?

All was perfect, then why didn’t it end well?

We had a second, we had a moment,

We had a chance, we had an option,

We could change our mind,

We had our hopes far from behind.

But that just passed,

Ever so quietly,

Nothing.

That's what we loyally did.

We stood, like fools looking into forever.

Standing there,

And resumed our pathways,

As though nonentity happened.

What an endeavor.