Shades of Grey

Shades of Grey

Toska- Russian ("No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom.)

Peeled off my lips 
Stood on my baby's chest
Rolled on the temple grounds 
Pulled off my lashes
Journeyed to the tip of my nose 
Carelessly pulled down my pants 
Tolerated your abuse
Waited for that seething memory 
Stuck to mankind 
No more adrenaline 
Cut my thigh 
I'm only ten years old.

Le Cercueil

Le cercueil 
French ;where the dead belong. 

Our baby never lived, 
Said mamma and papa fought
Fought over god
The same God that killed me
And killed you.
Our baby never loved.
He said, this can't ever happen again.
He dint know that mama was a rookie
That mama dint know what else to be
Mama only loves. 
Mama doesn't know how;
Our baby never died
Our baby breathes through the hollow casket our bloodied veins fought to build. 

For my betterment?

Just this once, I fought.
I fought for myself,
I physically fought,
I fought for my right,
I fought for my well being
I was ageing.

My oh so bubbly aura
I was not fond of the world,
I did not care
The world in turn burned my soul
While I caressed her wounds.

While I caressed her cheek,
While I caressed her feet
She conveyed her wound into my being
Infected my brain
I would decay
Decay like my mothers heart
When I touch a cigarette

Burning, Yearning
She’d come when I'd be nearly gone
She was my weakness now

Unknown Pride within me,
I caressed her
She caressed the world.

Don't know what we were fighting against,
Nothing but us existed in our Jannat
We exchanged blows
Together and against
Got to stay apart
Got to stop ourselves from giving out
To feel our tongues touch again
Wept till my heart became as small as hers
Wept my swept feet back to the ground

We pushed each other away
Filled with rage and distrust
I shoved her aside
Fell asleep in each other's arms
Hoping I'd never have to wake up to see her dreadful eyes again
Her pained smile
Or the meaningless mole on her nose;
Couldn't bear the air that let us breathe.


I like high all the time
I want high all the time
I want stress-free all the time
I don't anymore.

Soft kisses on my neck
Stopped time; The once it happened,
My heart stopped; couldn't lend.
Cried, wet sheets; wet mouth
Bit his lower lip hard; trigger
Pain; trigger vain,
My brain bled instead,
Alone out there; trying to ignore
Trying to Ignite
Life in disguise; his big hands,
Held me tight,
Suffocate, laugh, blink, sunrise?
Red, blue, brown hair glinting,
He played; tightening;
Felt my flawed ear,
While I kissed away my fear.
Mere sight; my blood pounded
Without a sound
His pretty face on my palm;
The Whole world in my hand;
My drunken self on him; Calm.
We thought, reckoned,
Prayed, hoped,
Felt his lips for the first time.