Shades of Grey

Shades of Grey

Toska- Russian ("No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom.)

Peeled off my lips 
Stood on my baby's chest
Rolled on the temple grounds 
Pulled off my lashes
Journeyed to the tip of my nose 
Carelessly pulled down my pants 
Tolerated your abuse
Waited for that seething memory 
Stuck to mankind 
No more adrenaline 
Cut my thigh 
I'm only ten years old.

Le Cercueil

Le cercueil 
French ;where the dead belong. 

Our baby never lived, 
Said mamma and papa fought
Fought over god
The same God that killed me
And killed you.
Our baby never loved.
He said, this can't ever happen again.
He dint know that mama was a rookie
That mama dint know what else to be
Mama only loves. 
Mama doesn't know how;
Our baby never died
Our baby breathes through the hollow casket our bloodied veins fought to build. 

For my betterment?

Just this once, I fought.
I fought for myself,
I physically fought,
I fought for my right,
I fought for my well being
I was ageing.

My oh so bubbly aura
I was not fond of the world,
I did not care
The world in turn burned my soul
While I caressed her wounds.

While I caressed her cheek,
While I caressed her feet
She conveyed her wound into my being
Infected my brain
I would decay
Decay like my mothers heart
When I touch a cigarette

Burning, Yearning
She’d come when I'd be nearly gone
She was my weakness now

Unknown Pride within me,
I caressed her
She caressed the world.

Don't know what we were fighting against,
Nothing but us existed in our Jannat
We exchanged blows
Together and against
Got to stay apart
Got to stop ourselves from giving out
To feel our tongues touch again
Wept till my heart became as small as hers
Wept my swept feet back to the ground

We pushed each other away
Filled with rage and distrust
I shoved her aside
Fell asleep in each other's arms
Hoping I'd never have to wake up to see her dreadful eyes again
Her pained smile
Or the meaningless mole on her nose;
Couldn't bear the air that let us breathe.


I like high all the time
I want high all the time
I want stress-free all the time
I don't anymore.

Soft kisses on my neck
Stopped time; The once it happened,
My heart stopped; couldn't lend.
Cried, wet sheets; wet mouth
Bit his lower lip hard; trigger
Pain; trigger vain,
My brain bled instead,
Alone out there; trying to ignore
Trying to Ignite
Life in disguise; his big hands,
Held me tight,
Suffocate, laugh, blink, sunrise?
Red, blue, brown hair glinting,
He played; tightening;
Felt my flawed ear,
While I kissed away my fear.
Mere sight; my blood pounded
Without a sound
His pretty face on my palm;
The Whole world in my hand;
My drunken self on him; Calm.
We thought, reckoned,
Prayed, hoped,
Felt his lips for the first time.

The Middle Child.

Cheats, Fries everyone's head;

Hurts, Forgets, Disrespect,
Love and Family,

Dives, Disloyal, Dissident,
Deceitful and invincible,
An imbecile.

Impulsive, Insensitive
Irrespective of God's wrath;
or a beloved deeds?
A callow weed.

Inked, Impure, Erred,
A sinner, Crack,
Smack Smack Smack,
An unfortunate blunder?

Stammers, Senile and Shaken,
Faking, Breaking;
A misshapen Satan.

Lost, Alone, Wonderment,
Amusement; Better Annihilated,
Better eradicate,
Better not create,
A misshapen Satan.


Among the screeching owls,
my soul spoke
to one of its own kind and
burnt itself.
Soared to one corner,
bled profusely
and withered.
As dead as a human mind,
as dead as mine,
flesh and blood dried up.
Yellow and searing,
the feathers buoyant;
sewed up my lovers heart.

I saw him walking alone

With a heavy heart,

He walked from his parent’s house

He went to her,

He went home.

She was hiding,

Scared as he knew she would be

He couldn't bring himself to look at her terrified face,

It was engraved in his.

He couldn’t bring himself to tell her,

To tell her that they were dead,

With no chance of ressurection.

She whimpered and looked at the floor,

Averting her gaze

Ran up to her room.

And slept.

He slept too.

They both knew hope survived to kill them.

Because that's what friends are for.

See, one night,
While I was sleeping,
God asked me,
To keep dreaming.
And so I did.
I dreamt about you.
How you sat by me
and talked all the way,
How I felt the wind blow,listening,
Now remembering,
it was quite a hot day :')
I swept my hair, back,
Turned to look At you, you were laughing..
Your head tilting,
I tilted mine and I sat back, smiling.
And then came those days,
I thought you'd want to go home,
I thought you'd want to be normal.
More days,
When you were a friends friend,

A friends friends friend.
And then,the day we spat.
At the past,
Sitting side by side, leg to leg,
"Cheers" with our switches,
Peering at the night sky
Searching, for a lost star.
That day, something said we'd last.
Claimed, trashed
 Possessed,loved of course,
Sought after and cried over I was.
Only you though,managed
To send a kiss to my heart. 

The reply

                                                              Sitting on that lonely staircase,                                                         Palms on face
Elbows on knees
Sore eyes
Lined by the cool breeze.

‘Happy thoughts, Happy thoughts”
I said to myself
Nothing blossomed
Head and heart aching
As my thoughts coveted 

Listening to those familiar footsteps
I turned around
With weak legs
Accepting what has to happen
As you came by.

Sighing; Smiling;
I waited as you climbed down the stairs
As I pouted
As your lips touched mine
For what was the last time
As you held me in your arms
One moment, content;
Of pure happiness,
Before your ugly departure.

Id have to let go 
Good things don’t last
Id have to open my eyes
I did. To see yours.
Pouring love;
As I stood helpless
And you walked away.

My hand burned for one more touch
My smile din’t last long
But you were etched
To my soul
As if

When death called.

When death called,
I was sitting,
I was breathing, 
I was relaxed.

When death called, 
I could not quite hear my life,
I did not quite pay attention,
So much that I almost picked up.

I was a big fan,
But I was too caught up in many things, more
beautiful than life itself.
Living it.

And hey, my eyes closed,
My ears ringing to the melodies of a 
My heart beating,
When death went tring-tring,

I remember the car swirling,
I distinctly remember holding on,
My eyes bulged,
and my thoughts ran to who all would
have to mourn.

Air was nursed out of me,
As my head hit the insides,
Stars revolved,
My mind now on boats flying kites.

They say I survived,
I say I was in luck,
I found myself wondering all the way
about what, would have happened,
If I had indeed picked,

If my life had been ticked.

Children and Chastity

My feelings are vast,
They are never ending,
They dissolve into the omnipresent,
They are honest.

Honest when I look up at the sky,
I see my thoughts flooding blue,
Some, Fluffed up and bobbing away,
I force them to change, I think,
The more I do, The whiter, the kosher.

For that is what we 15 year olds do,
We compare and let ourselves down,
We look up, we look around,
We tire ourselves nice and easy,
And settle down into finding common grounds.

It’ is always the little things that matter,
We are pure and open,
Ready to look down on everybody,
Happy when they look up at us and smile.

I smirk, when anger fares in,
Regret, Remorse and Loathing.
That’s when we turn off the lights,
We hear the low rumble of change.

It’s despair, we feel powerful.
At least we affect the universe don’t we?
Potency revealed, only meaning,
If I can’t have it, you can’t too.

Together, we are alone,
We believe that’s how it is,
The rumbling gets louder,
And Thunder breaks in.

Trashing us, pushing us to the limit,
There’s rain all around,
We feel the walls slipping down.
Slaps right across the face,
The inevitable rain drowns you in,
It’s bitter and wet, Life.
On your knees,
All you can do, is look around.
On your knees,
And to feel the rain, to feel your sore tears,
To respect them, To treat them right.
You’d feel it tickling town your cheekbones tonight,
Tomorrow, damn that,
Every single day maybe.
Until you embrace them, and turn around at the same time.
For the sun’s up now.
For there’s a red tint now.
The horizon looks nice now.
Your eyes red rimmed, yet beautifully lined.
You laugh out loud,
For the sun’s here now.

The difference between what I am, and what you made me.

There will come, them moments,
When you can hear yourself laugh and smile,
And you nod at heads smiling at you,
You can smell the flowers a mile away,
You can breathe in the divine scent.
When the sun playfully lights up your strands of beautiful hair,
You just spread your arms out wide and scream with all your might.

Then there comes those days,
When the wind is too strong, and then sun is too low,
When the world just keeps ticking, and the people?
The people make it evident that they can survive with you .

They pass by, and you say hello,
Cue the winks, looks and curvy lips,
And the never ending hi-fi’s

Yes it’s a wonderful day; the trees looked just fine,
You learned, you had your thought of the day,
The day was as happy as it could be,
Though it would seem like all work and no play.

All you can do is look forward.
Because you’re alone, and it’s darkness, regardless of your how your eyelids are positioned.

The paintings on the walls make everything look so damn heavenly,
The classy white paint raises our standard,
The adorable peons give the place a spark,
And then, them (a peculiar group of human beings they are), they bark.

They puff, polish and paint their faces,
And say they work for our good.
They tear down souls that survived,
And without shame, they again claim to have been working for our good.

Its this day when you don’t know what to do with yourself,
When you can do so much and want to do nothing,
All because of some sick bastards,
You feel yourself ebbing away into some lonely yard.

Sometimes, all you need to do is look at me and smile.
And the world is all right again.
You teach me every day; you claim to have the right to punish me too,
Then what bad will a smile do?

A crowd, better silenced.

When you have a normal life,
Extraordinary parents are loved,
Awesomeness ,Appreciated,
And success, Sowed.
Everyday is art,
Every night, music,
In between there's dancing,
And somehow, happy living.
Brother in times of need,
Love by the door,
Pests under bars and,
Memories from the yore.
You're cries are muffles,
At times like these,
Not because no one cares,
Only because there's more happy than you please.
Now I know it sounds all perfect,
But read it again,
You might see something you dint,
'Friends' ain't there,
pro'lly din't notice when you blinked.
They might love me, or love me not.
For I'm alone when I'd need their company,
Now I don't want any judging,
For that's there in plenty.
I hear them when they all go out,
I hear them when they laugh out loud,
I hear it when they sneak out,
But I'm there when they cry,

I always run to them when they cry.

Should I spread out some leather, or just put on some shoes?

When you set out to kill someone,
You must have no emotion.
When you want to win,
You must have no family.

When you return for victory,
You must be alone,
When you become the champion,
You are alone.

Theres one place, one time, one chance and one shot,
If its yours, its yours forever.
Nobody is you,
 You become your own conceiver.

So what must I take?
Must I live up to my dreams?
My haunting dreams.
Or must I start sharpening my survival skills?

Must I lose to love everyone?
And lie in loathing the rest of my life?
Or cease all the crying to weep alone?

What must I do?
What am I supposed to?
Into the conclusion I come.
Better than this Id rather bid life Adieu.

I shouldnt have to make choices,
I live only once.
I should be able to do what I want to do.
I shouldnt have to deal with grievance.

They say its human to want,
They say its human to crave,
They say its human to have feelings,
Its only human to be a slave.

Then what must I do?
What am I supposed to?
Into the conclusion I come again,
For better or for worse, Id rather bid life Adieu.

If only everybody knew,
For its actually true.

Nobody cries when you lose,

Nobody screams when you’re hurt,
Nobody really stands by you when you sin,
And Nobody actually triumphs when you win.